


The Incest Police

by dirigibleboyking



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bottom Sam, Dialogue-Only, Dirty Talk, Humor, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Top Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-26 23:33:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5024986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dirigibleboyking/pseuds/dirigibleboyking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Dean are hauled in for questioning, but the officers get a little more information than they bargained for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Incest Police

'Please state your name for the record.'

'Steve McQueen.'

'We'll try that again. Your _name_ , please.'

'Jeez, lady, lighten up. Dean freakin' Winchester, okay?'

'Okay _, Dean freakin' Winchester_. We've got a few questions we'd like you to answer. Honesty's required.'

'Hey, I'm sure _that_ can be arranged. Remind me- what time do you get off?'

'Some thirty years before you get parole, buddy, so quit it.'

'No worries, sugar. I get better with age.'

'Mm-hmm. Listen now, Dean. I'd like you to describe to me the nature of your relationship with Sam.'

...

'Sam? You mean my kid brother?'

'No. I mean this potted plant. Yes, Dean, your- ahem- _kid brother_.'

'Huh.'

...

'Well. You know. He's a nerdy little bitch. Pretty much married to that friggin' laptop. And, uh, kid needs his damn hair cutting. That answer your question?'

'And have you ever coerced your brother into any kind of sexual activity?'

...

'Oh, Christ. I know what this is. You're Henricksen's lapdogs, right? I hope you got a fat paycheck and a meal waiting for you at home, 'cause man, would I hate to be in your shoes.'

'Please an-'

'No, for God's sake, of course I haven't fucking _raped_ him. He's my little brother. What kind of psycho do you think I am? (I mean, I guess there's all the grave desecrations and the shifter thing and the bank robbery and the trail of cooling corpses, but still.)'

'Bribed him? Blackmailed him?'

'Pretty sure that counts as rape. Not dumb either, sweetheart.'

...

'Look, lady, do you mind not tapping the desk? You're distracting me from deciding where to get rid of the body of the adolescent kid that's in my trunk.'

'Well, is there the body of an adolescent kid in your trunk?'

'No. No, of course there fucking isn't. And you don't have to- Jesus _Christ_.'

'Let's move on, in that case.'

'Yeah. Lets.'

'Dean, have you ever engaged in any kind of sexual activity- consensual or otherwise- with your younger brother?'

...

'I see what this is. I'm the big bad wolf and Sammy's Little Red, huh? You trying to make him into a victim?'

'Should I be?'

...

'Huh. Guess I never really... maybe you should. Maybe he is- hell, maybe _I_ am.'

'What does that mean, Dean?'

'But I sure as _hell_ don't want to talk about it.'

'Is this a confession?'

'Hey- what are you, the incest police?'

*

'Please state your name for the record.'

'Where's Dean?'

'Your _name_.'

'I want my brother.'

'And you can see him. After we finish this. Your _name_.'

'Sam Winchester.'

'Okay, Sammy, let's get th-'

'I said Sam. Not Sammy.'

...

'Ow- _fuck_ -'

'Sorry, Sammy, but that's the only coddling you'll get here. Ooh, sorry- did I split your pretty lil' lip? Shame you don't have Dean here to kiss it better.'

'If Dean was here, he wouldn't kiss it better. I think he'd probably stab you.'

'Was that a threat, kiddo?'

'No. It was a declarative. Do you have a tissue?'

'Why?'

'Because my nose is bleeding. Where you punched it. Which I'm pretty sure is a violation of my rights.'

'Touchy, touchy. Use your fucking sleeve, kid. Your big brother's not here to play knight in shining vintage leather.'

...

'So, Sammy-'

'Sam.'

'-Sammy. Tell me about you and Dean.'

...

'Oh, we have a real good time.'

'Go on.'

'It's totally awesome.'

'Go on.'

'The motel boilers generally suck, is the only thing. And you should try digging up a grave in winter.'

'So, tell me, kid- Dean ever fucked you?'

...

'I'm sorry?'

'Bent you over. Rammed your ass. Nailed you. Sodomized you. Whatever you wanna call it, I don't judge.'

'Ha-ha. You do know we're _brothers_ , right?'

'Oh, yeah. I was wondering if _you_ did.'

'What is your problem?'

'Or maybe you do and you get off on it. Maybe you like taking big brother's cock up your ass, huh?'

'This is unbelievable.'

'Just answer the question, Sammy-boy. Then you can go.'

'Who do you think you are, the incest police?'

*

'Look, lady, maybe me and Sammy are close. Hell, you could even say we're closer than normal. But you're kinda stretching the definition here.'

'Is that so, Dean? _Physically_ close?'

'You know what Sam would say if he was here? He'd tell you to get your dirty fucking mind out of the dirty fucking gutter.'

'Look at me and listen to me, Dean. As of now, Sam is a suspect. You, you're done, you get me? It's over for you. So what's another sex crime? If it were to come out that Sam was being- manipulated- in any way, he'd have a much better chance of getting the justice he deserves.'

'Wait. You're saying-'

'Yeah.'

'If I 'fess up- Sam walks?'

'That's what I'm saying.'

...

'So lemme tell you about the time I fucked my brother.'

*

'This is ridiculous.'

'Is it, kiddo? You look pretty nervous.'

'It's a perversion of justice.'

'Look, all I'm saying is- if you're a victim? We don't press charges on victims.'

'Screw you.'

'Sammy, it's your best chance. You know that, right?'

'Don't. Fucking. Call. Me. That.'

'Dean's done. He's had it. We've got him up against a wall- if you'll pardon the expression. You, kid? Nothing solid.'

'You're trying to get Dean for sexual assault. To _me_.'

'Yep. All you have to do is say yes. Come on, Sammy-boy- he's never even tried to cop a feel?'

'Will you get your mind out of the gutter?'

'Should I?'

...

'Well, what if it wasn't assault? What if it was consensual, huh? What would you say then?'

'That ain't a route you want to be taking, kid.'

...

'So lemme tell you about the time I begged for my brother to fuck me.'

*

'Sammy makes the prettiest little sounds, you know that? All these mewls and teeny gasps. God, it's the hottest thing.'

'Dean, is this necessary? You don't want to prolong this conversation, I'm sure.'

'Yeah, yeah- but God- you should see him when he's holding his legs open for me and his knees are round his ears. I swear those legs go on forever. He's got this little pink hole, too-'

'Mr Winchester-'

'Sugar, you asked for it. You're getting it. Did I tell you about this one time in Dakota? Miles of miles of road, middle of the night. We pulled over in a field. I bent him over the hood and licked him open-'

'This isn't helping your case, Dean-'

'Stuck my tongue right up there, felt his muscles do this little jump-flinch thing-'

'I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here, Dean-'

'God, he's so tight around my dick, you know? All this tight, wet, silky heat. It ain't like banging a girl. I mean, y'know, sure I'm hung like a horse, but Sammy- you'd think it was a baseball bat from the way he moans, _Jesus_ -'

'I'm stopping the tape.'

*

'-and then he just rammed it up in me, I'm telling you. Best night of my life. And then once we were out working a case on Oasis Plains, there was this house with a steam shower (and seriously, the shit we did in there, sometimes I thought we'd never be able to untangle ourselves, I mean the _positions_ we got into) and I swear no-one can make shower sex complicated like Dean can make it complicated-'

'You've got to be fucking kidding me.'

'Look, officer, I'm just giving you the cold hard facts here. So get this: we were in New Orleans once, going after a vengeful spirit, and there was this gigantic boarded-up mansion. So Dean was all wanting to fuck on every surface in the house- and I mean literally, he had a checklist-'

'You little faggot, you're making this shit up-'

'I think the wardrobe was the most difficult part. It had all these carved bits. I had the bruises for weeks. It was _great_ \- _ouch_ \- what the hell was that for?'

'For being uncooperative, you little shit.'

'Well, it looks like my uncooperation's giving you a pretty significant boner-'

*

'Have I mentioned his hair yet? Because I know I'm always saying he needs to cut it, but seriously, it's the softest thing. Just the right length for me to get my hands in while he's blowin' me. And god, he just loves it when I fuck him through the wall, you know, and pull on his hair- and hey, lady, are you okay?'

'I- I'm- does it feel hot in here to you?'

'Mm? No. But if you're good, d'you want me to tell you about this time after a wendigo hunt?'

'I'll be back in a minute.'

*

**Five minutes later.**

'I don't understand. He was _right here_. I left the room for maybe two minutes, tops. And you're saying-'

'The kid wasn't cooperating, okay? I just went out of the room to, uh, radio someone. I went back in and he was just- _gone_.'

'Oh, god, this is awful. They were in seperate rooms. _Both_ gone? How'd they organise it?'

'Freaks of nature, those boys. God knows how. They were fucking, you know?'

'Disgusting.'

*

 **Meanwhile**.

'Go go go go. Run.'

'Dean, for God's sake, where's the car?'

'Parked half a mile down the road, okay? Deacon couldn't get her any nearer.'

'Oh, Christ- this whole thing was too close-'

'Dude, the policewoman talking to me? She wasn't even _hot_.'

'Dean, for God's sake, the guy interrogating me was probably a wife-beater.'

'He gave you that black eye?'

'And a split lip. No- Dean- Jesus- you can't go _back_ there-'

'Gonna rip his _lungs_ out-'

'No, you're not, come on. Dean. Calm. Caaaaaalm. The Impala's waiting for you.'

'If it weren't for my Baby.'

'Yeah, I know. Come on. And hey- what did they want you to tell them?'

'Oh- uh- they kept asking me questions.'

'Well, yeah. But, like... what about?'

'Us, Sam. Us. It was nasty.'

'Did they, uh...?'

'I think they thought we were fucking or something. Like, jeez.'

'God. Really?'

'Did they ask you that, Sammy?'

'What? Uh- yeah, actually, they did. I mean, I told them of course not. Obviously.'

'Yeah, yeah, me too, of course. Denied it til I was blue in the face. Dunno if they believed me.'

'Dean, uh- they seemed pretty sure they were right.'

'Bunch of sick fucks.'

'Right? I mean, we're brothers.'

'Pffft.'

'I wouldn't fuck you if I was paid to.'

'Yeah. Yeah, me neither. I mean, obviously. Of course.'

'Yeah. Same. God. How stupid.'

...

'Hey. Sam.'

'Yeah?'

'If we were. Like. You know. If we were- if we were-'

'Fucking.'

'Yeah. That. If we were. It wouldn't, like- change anything. Would it?'

'Jeez, Dean, what sort of a question is that?'

'Well- would it?'

'We'd be fucking. That'd change.'

'Yeah, but the other stuff.'

'What other stuff?'

'You know. Me and you. Us.'

'Of course it wouldn't change, you dick.'

...

'Dean? Did I say something wrong? Hey- Dean?'

'Get in the car, Sam.'

'Man. Seriously.'

'Just get in the damn car.'

'Fine.'

 

**Author's Note:**

> feedback appreciated. y'all are appreciated. <3
> 
> i'm on twitter as @prunesquallors, busy being nonbinary & rude. <33


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